The truth about isolation

Sometimes (well, actually, maybe a lot of times) I want to be away from all people. Have my own Walden. I put on tech n9ne and brood.

But then I start feeling lonely. I have a ton of facebook friends. I have a husband. But I feel I am a very different person and I can't stand any of them! Not that I don't love them, but you know, you revert back to that inner teenager and go 110% emo that no one understands you. But how could they?! How can anyone understand anyone?! Our lives have very minute similarities. We have similarities with everyone, sure, but the paths, though crossing, wound so differently that there are some places in your life that the people around you would never even dream of existed! And maybe you are in a place in your conscious that no one in your vicinity can come to terms with. Then you get frustrated with each other, cause they can't fathom it, and you need them to because they are your support. BUT it doesn't always work that way. YOU GUYS! IT SUCKS SO BAD!

There is nothing more desirable than having someone in your life that completely understands you. Some people turn to God because he knows all, and surely he knows his own creations/ children. Well. Sometimes faith can't ease that pain right away. Your physical brain needs something physical and tangible to  go off of. OR maybe you don't believe in God. So what will you do?

First, probably recognize what is going on. Write it out again. Even angry words. Let the feelings get out, let them tire out so that you don't have to house them anymore. Words are great because you can be violent with words, but if you have them in a private journal, they don't have to hurt anyone. AND if you want, you can burn them (burning a piece of paper is better than burning property or a person, and sometimes if that's what you feel like doing, this is a good alternative. Just be safe). I didn't do that part, just the writing part. And go me, I didn't cry this time. Then I got out a rock star (get some energy going so im not so lethargic and depressed) and blasted some Keane on spottify, and drew an ugly crying skull tattoo on my leg (copied off of google). Now that I look like a great emo badass, and I am pumped with artificial energy, I can blog about my stuff and get inspired.

Let's stop being lonely
http://akirahrobinson.com/2013/10/16/24-things-you-can-do-the-moment-you-feel-lonely/

And let's use the negative and turn it into positive

Even heroes fail
Posted by Viral Thread on Saturday, March 7, 2015

DO THIS

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<3

What to do ...?

I had another downer relapse today.
I couldn't control it and was super low. I had to do something. So I wrote. I have tried to not write negative things anymore because all my past journals were basically vents. And so, if I ever go back to read my past journals, all of those bad memories come flooding back. I realized that that was a bad thing. That this was probably why I was so quick to see the bad in everything. So I have been trying to stop. However, now, there has recently been a new problem. I have no outlet for my anger. I can't exercise hard enough to get my anger out physically (I don't have money for a gym pass, and I cant run or jump without injuring my already very weak knee). Meditation is also hard for me to get into while I am angry and resistant. So tonight, I gave in. I poured out my feelings on paper like I haven't in so long. And finally it all rushed out. I started to breathe, and then I cried. Huge release.
Once my tears had subsided, I needed something. What was I going to do now? I searched "how to kill depression" online. And I read a few articles. ( I often think that I might be depressed, but because it comes and goes, I figure that it isn't serious enough to take time away from health professionals who need to help people with more serious problems... plus the $$$ thing.)

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Rid-of-Depression

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/07/09/10-things-i-do-every-day-to-beat-depression/

So. What was I doing wrong today that was pushing me overboard?

Here is my theory. Sunlight. OR light in general. It is nighttime. I work nights. I need to make sure to turn on more lights at home on my days off. Next, sugar. I use Sundays as my cheat days and well sugar is my drug of choice. I probably was feeling the low after my high. Or perhaps guilt of having too much. Again, food, I ate, but not my usual breakfast. I had cereal (probably not the worst, but also not the best). Then, completing goals. I have nothing that I am working towards right now. I have a few goals but they are all put on hold for one reason or another. But maybe, besides my physical outlet being blocked, this part of one of the articles resonated with me:

"There has long been speculation that creativity and depression are linked because some think that it may be the “cost” of being a creative person. Depression, however, may arise more frequently when a creative person has trouble finding an expressive outlet."

And I think this is true. I might not produce amazing works like everyone thinks "artists" must do, but I do have the creative spirit living inside me. Another way I had been able to control my mood in the past is music. I lost myself in the songs that I played. Recently, I have stopped going to church because of disrespectful and bragging people who I need to avoid (that environment does not hone spirituality). And church has been the last musical outlet I have had being the Organist. I had access to a piano. Now, at home, I only have a midi controller which requires me to be uncomfortably seated with headphones tight over my ears. The sound does not come organically, there is lag, and the position itself is depressing to me.

But, perhaps, though it is not ideal, it is all that I have. And I need to do  it to keep my sanity.

So, lesson of the day is, do what needs to be done, there is something you are forgetting, stay up!